we could have been

I feel like afloat. It's so quiet. I'm loving it anyhow. While I miss the feelings I felt several months back, I guess I'm better off this way because I'm at peace with myself. Nothing's more important to me now than my peace of mind.

I still miss the guy, yes, but little by little, I have been accepting the fact that it's over. You cannot push yourself into someone else's life.

If there's one thing I know I would be regretful of, then it would be the chance we could have on becoming good friends. It's just so immature. He could have trusted me and realized that we could transform our "relationship" to mereley platonic. I could be happy seeing him happier with someone else. I could have shown him that I can be there for him no matter what..

We could have been, we could have been...

Bored on a Saturday night

Ranting time...
am bored.. nothing to do at home.. it's so pathetic, i am home on a Saturday night..
I hate it.. i miss going out on a saturday night and coming home the morning after, .. i miss the thrill, excitement, and the fullness of a Saturday night (not necessarily with jpcl though). Argh! I wanna be occupied.. huwaaaa....

Tired but rejuvenated from Caramoan.. =)

I'm back! Wooot woot! It was a very tiring weekend get-away at Caramoan, Camarines Sur but it was worth-it! Me and my officemates a.k.a friends had lots and lots of fun strolling and hopping the islands of Caramoan.
The waves were soothing my mind, nothing really compares to the view of mountains and limestones on your left and the horizon with the sky kissing the sea on your right.
It was also in this trip when I get to conquer my fear of climbing steep rock formations just to see a small lagoon with a big legendary bangus supposedly in it. We never saw the fish but the climb up and back has expanded my capabilities. I never thought I could do such a thing!ha-ha!
The experience with the rocks is like Life, all it takes to get to the top is enough push, motivation, and belief and faith in yourself that no matter what happens, despite the bruising edges, you'll get to where you really wanna be..
Caramoan may not be the best place I have been but the experience it brought broadened me more as a person..

Yey! Caramoan!

yipee... me and some officemates a.ka. friends are going out of town tomorrow until Sunday, and this is one of those days I thank God that despite the ups and downs and the stresses of the week, I still get to enjoy life! My Caramoan trip is exciting me, really! =)

Test of Character

Argh.. Another tiring Monday it is.. What made it more gruesome is when someone bitches things out on you.. In moments like that, I sit back, stay quiet, and make sure to keep my cool down. I am choosing my battles, I won't let a single issue affect and spoil the rest of my day. God Bless her..

A Wounded Self

This blog goes out to the guy I met not so long ago who despite the craziness in me stayed for a period longer than anyone could bear. If there's one thing I would wish at this point in time, that is, to meet him once again in this lifetime.

He met my wounded self-- the disillusioned part of me. When he entered my life, I knew that I was not at all ready, and yet, I still gave him the access. Who I was when he met me was far from what I am really made of.

I could have fought for it and went out of my way to defend myself. I could have stayed much much longer and shrugged off his indifference. But I know that if I do, then the Wounded Self could take over my total being. I would never ever allow that to happen..

Out of all the guys I have gone out with, it was him I preferred offering a friendship with at the very least. For reasons beyond my comprehension, he strongly declined. He remained apathetic.

I guess I would never understand why it took so much of an effort to penetrate him.

I just wish and fervently pray that he would later on realize how much of a great friend I could become if only he had given me the chance...

Shooo Valentine Blues!

It's February 14, Valentine's Day. And it surely sucks! These love songs are getting into me! ( My line for the last 9 years)

It sucks, indeed, specially for single ladies like me who have been in and out of relationships for quite some time now-- 10 years to be exact!

Eversince my younger days, I have been hoping, wishing, and working hard to get married at the age of 27 or 28 -- the best ages to marry, they say. It did me no good, if I may say. I have loved and lost, fell in and out, broken and healed, wept and laughed. I was insane!

It was at the age of 27 when the truth about falling inlove dawned in me.. The guy I refer to as my greatest love-- with whom I wished to marry and spend the rest of my life with got married to someone else. Naturally, my world shattered into pieces, stopped revolving, and halted my life.

I had to lodge in one of the posh hotels in Ortigas (rich me!) just to spill my heart out and cry as loud as I can (with So Close in the background and hoping that the next door tenant doesn't hear me). It took me 3 hours of crying and drinking a big bottle of Mudshake before finally coming into my senses. My friends came right in time and drunk the remains of my alcohol as they baby me to sleep to rest my eyes out (the puffiest ever!) from weeping over spilled milk.

The experience alone taught me a lot of things about falling in love. The values I got from that encounter are the most important things one should carry as they commit themselves to another person.

It strongly imbibed in me one thing: TO LOVE MYSELF MORE.. as cliche as it might seem.

As bitter as it looks like but it gave me an idea that unconditional love does not really exist. At some point in the relationship, you would always want something in return. You cannot give (1) what you don't have and (2) more than what you get. Because in the end, when you outpour more than what you should only give, you'll just find yourself picking up and collecting from the ground the part of you which you should have not given anyway..

At this point in time, it's good to stop a while and provide myself with more breathing space. I have been very busy finding love for the last 10 years. The last 9 years of which made me dreadful of Valentine's day. Today, as Valentine is slowly passing, I feel at peace and in tranquil with my solitude. Being happy does not necessarily follow having someone to spend this day with..

To everyone, Happy Valentine's Day! May you find joy and happiness in your own ways!