our third chance on love..

thank you Lord for the wonderful feeling I have been experiencing eversince John came back into my life a couple of days ago. I promise to take care of this relationship and change my old ways. This is our third chance on love and I would no longer allow anything or anyone come against our way. I would like to be with him and love him for the rest of my life.... I love him and misses him so much...

When you should grab something, grab it. When you should let go, let go.

I have seized the moment and now learning to let go. No regrets.

Chapel of the Eucharistic Lord, 10/16/2010

God said "Nina, don't be afraid to LIVE, LOVE, and LAUGH. I will be here when you stumble, I will catch you fall."
I was like "Lord, are you sure about that? you know how much I'm capable of doing everytime I seize the moment".
Persistently He said "Go ahead, I am here, I will never leave you, I know your capacity in getting back on your feet everytime you fall flat on your face".

free! :)

today, i woke up charmed. the magic moment of last night was liberating. doors closed but windows have opened. life can be really so exciting. i love the way it conquers me and frees me at the same time. i am high! :)

i find myself always going back to the one i truly love.. i'm going to be okay. i know i am..

deja vu..

i did the most daring thing again... and it scared me.. i must only have missed the way i was.. as early as now, i know i should stop before the situation gets even worse.. the same words, the same actions, the same scenario.. it's all the same.. a feeling of deja vu.. and for whatever reason, it scared me to death.. i need my space.. i need more time.. otherwise...

:(

darn, i'm missing you so much tonight. But yeah, I'll give you your space. i just really hope you come back..

I miss You

I’ve been feeling this emptiness for sometime
Trying make do
But my world has been so crazy
Living without you
I’m a man not ashamed to admit my faults
Now that I know
But the only thing that matters now
I should have never let you go
So every night before I go to sleep, I pray
That the lord would someday some how
Send you back my way

Baby I miss you
I need to be back in your arms
I’ve never stopped loving you
My heart is where you belong
Baby I miss you
Before heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we’ve come to far to let it slip away
Ooooh we’ve come to far to let it slip away

Couldn’t understand many things in my life
And what you meant to me
Now I’m prepared to be everything that a man is suppose to be
I don’t wanna be alone no more
So then my heart can take it
That weeks have past
Since you’ve been gone
That I’ve thought that I could make it
Oh baby
So every night before I go to sleep, I pray
That the lord would one day somehow
Bring you back my way

Baby I miss you
I need to be back in your arms
I’ve never stopped loving you
My heart is where you belong
Baby I miss you
Before heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we’ve come to far to let it slip away
Cause we’ve come to far to let it slip away
Baby don’t know what else to say or do
Its hard to get through every night and everyday
Knowing I had you walk away
Its killing me inside
Feeling so strong I can’t hide
So lord help me get through trying times
I’ll do anything to have you back in my life

Baby I miss you
I need to be back in your arms
I’ve never stopped loving you
My heart is where you belong
Baby I miss you
Before heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we’ve come to far to let it

Baby I miss you
I need to be back in your arms
I’ve never stopped loving you
My heart is where you belong
Baby I miss you
Before heaven and earth pass away
Lord please show me what to do
Tell me what to say
Cause we’ve come to far to let it
Baby I miss you

on september 10, 2010,Friday, 22:48...

this time.. i'm going to respect you and what you chose to do. pero gusto ko lang sana malaman mo na moving away and staying passive resolves nothing. communication is the key. masama loob ko how you handle our separation, to begin with, di ko alam kung ano naging kasalanan ko to deserve your indifference again. i might have openly told you how i feel about you pero just so you know, wala ako pinagsisisihan and it did not make me less of a person in any way.

i have so many good memories of you and it'll stay here no matter what.

i'm sorry for whatever hurt i might have caused you.

and.. i loved you just the way you are..

ingat ka. 'till we meet again..


Nina

gone a long way…

gone a long way…

it's over now.. (09.05.10)

You, you turned and walked away
I didn't know what to say
I close my eyes to hide
The pain I felt inside
I could never understand
How love went out of hand
And now, there's nothing I can do


Though the feeling hasn't passed
Sad to say our love didn't last
Please don't ask me to pretend
Cause to know it's over

When I'm done forgetting you
You can say what you wanna do
Please don't ask me to pretend
Cause I know it's over now

Now, I'm left here all alone
A heart without a home
How will I ever find
The love I left behind
Once the days were ours to share
Now you don't even care
And there's still nothing I can do

stay with uncertainty or leave with finality?

1. you would never think twice on telling a person you love her back when she says she loves you..
2. saying "yes, i'll stay" is easy when love overflows
3. silence is tantamount to saying "i am not sure", do it your way anyway. Uncertainty is your best pal.
4. 2 years is more than enough to prove how much I care
5. nine months of being completely shrugged off is more than enough a proof for him to realize how much i care and love him
6. i am tired of chasing, always chasing
7. i cannot stay in an arrangement where insecurity dominates
8. waiting for you might lose my chance of finding something more real
9. i can love but i can move on, too.
10. saying how much i love you will not make me less of a person, it does not scare me either for it's going to set me free.
11. regrets would be far-reached for i have done more than enough
12. i no longer want to get stuck and thrown all over the place again everytime you swing from one pole of emotions to another.
13. a relationship is doomed to fail with one person certain and the other one lost.


we're gone and i will be okay.. i'd rather leave with finality than stay with uncertainty.

blow by blow

AUGUST 23,2010: When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take - choose the bolder. (hmmm... so which then is bolder?)

is relearning to let go the fear of letting go.

AUGUST 24, 2010: partly happy to say that i couldn't care less anymore.. over and done with.. like a sponge reaching its saturation point.. quite liberating.

AUGUST 27, 2010: His FB Account deactivated.


AUGUST 28, 2010: john, are we back to square one? did you block me on FB or erased your account altogether? di na tayo mga bata e, what is it that you really want?
i'd be frank, i think by now you already know how i feel for you. I presume that you already know that i care and love you. i don't have to spell that out.
i was there for 2 whole years w/o expecting anything in return. 9 months of which I stayed even if you were completely shrugging me off.. i think that's enough to prove how much loyalty and love i can offer.
di kita maintindihan e, you always run hot and cold. and in between your swings, parang lagi ako naghahabol.
please tell me what you want, wag ganyan. marami na tayo pareho naranasan and we've been through all kinds of relationships in the past, so di na ito yung panahon for mind-games.
mahal kita and i would choose to stay with you if you want me to.. but if not, please tell me, i still wanna hear..

AUGUST 29, 2010: come on, john. tell me what you want? saying what you feel does not make you less of a person. do you want me to stay or leave? let's get this over with, once and for all. face your fears john, we both know it has been dragging for quite some time now., let's not make life complicated, should i stay o ales na lang ako? i'm giving you the free hand to choose.. it's going to set both of us free.

2 years..

on august 24.. finally, i have learned to let go the 2 years of roller coaster ride; 2 years of chasing pavements.. it kind of liberated me, freed me..

relearning to let go of the fear of letting go..

Never blame me, I waited patiently...

love

guess i am.. guess i am..

i love how it feels. scary yet warm in the heart..

you make me smile at the simplest thought of you. you make my heart skip a beat at the sight of your smile. we've gone through a lot and i hope we become better.

i care so much that it feels like i'm never letting go.

i miss you and i hope you come home because i will spend every minute of my time with you back in my arms.

i love you, and i really do.

you asked me what were the things i missed about you? i got dumbfounded, i never had the chance to react and answer. I was in between holding back and divulging.. my mind never got the chance to gather its thoughts, it failed me. It was like sun's rays and happy clouds are surrounding me, preventing me to breathe.

A surge of happiness enveloped me as you bring your face closer to my monitor and asked me "anong nami-miss mo sa akin?". there's a lot and you know them, you've seen them, you heard them, you read them..

1. your kiss on my forehead
2. your hands on mine while you drive
3. the hug i make- around your waist or around your neck while in the car
4. our goodbye kiss
5. my hands on your face and yours in mine
6. your eyes on mine
7. the religious opening of my car door
8. ilog
9. sisig
10. our cravings for pancit
11. mcdonald's
12. your kiss on my shoulder

simply everything.

ugh.. come home..

Fair enough!

It has been a long time since the last time I poured my emotions out here in my Blog. What am I feeling now? ahmm.. nothing extreme really (hehe!)I'm happy the way things are now. Being busy with work, school, and toastmasters spare me no chance to rant and allow the devil play my idle mind.

Am glad that, in one way or another, things are slowly falling into place. The most important and special person in my life now is just around the corner. Thank God! After months of emo-ing! He may seem to be moving like a rocking chair, forth & back and going nowhere, but the hell I care now. I'm happy that he's back in my life, no matter how small the proximity is.. :)

HOOKED!

HOOKED!

“What a wonderful experience that first meeting was — being sincerely welcomed by the members when I arrived, tantalizing Table Topics, speech evaluations with substance and kindness! I was hooked.” That was Peggy Machol Bassett, a Toastmasters member of Houston Texas sharing her testimonial in celebration of Toasmasters’ 85th year founding anniversary.

Fellow Toastmasters and guests, good evening.

I have known TM for such a long-time now through words of mouth and constant invitations from friends who are also members of Toastmasters. But I guess it was only this year when, finally, I had the guts and found the time and willingness to do so. Too much enthusiasm to upgrade my speaking skills was there, thus, I contacted Marilyn Abella, the then club president of El Presidente, who was very friendly and accommodating in satisfying my queries about the club.

April 2010 was a jam-packed month for me. Spearheading a companywide business awareness campaign for its employees almost choked me to death. Mare, during these busy days of mine, never failed to cover me with invitations despite my slim chance of attending.
Finally, after several notifications, I attended the first club meeting on May 20, 2010.

Everybody has their own reasons for joining, do you still remember yours? Well, I have three.

First is, PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT.

Confidence in dealing and speaking with people from different levels of the organization is the primary qualification of an HR practitioner in any organization. In the Account Mgt Group, one must also be able to touch all facets of HR, I have, actually, except one- Training facilitation.

A Training facilitator, for me, is the epitome of confidence and credibility. As our Organization and People Development Manager puts it, “An effective Trainor must be sincere in facilitating a transfer of knowledge, not only in the form of trainor to trainee, but among trainees as well. To effectively deliver, one has to be very good in communication— there should be clarity of thought and ability to articulate them in several forms of speech; and, most importantly, the speaker must be able to talk with confidence.“

I can say that personally, I have not come to that point just yet. I joined Toastmasters to help me acquire the skills and competencies of becoming a good public speaker and Trainor.

Second, my decision to join Toastmasters gives me the chance to BUILD NEW RELATIONSHIPS.

Facing people especially strangers excites and stimulates me. I build a web of network not because I plan to run in a public office at any point in this lifetime but primarily because their experiences sustain me. The wisdom I get from new and old friends allows me to grow more personally, professionally, and interpersonally.

Thirdly and my deciding factor in joining was-- Toastmasters exudes a POSITIVE AND FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT.

In a conversation with a resignee during an exit interview, I asked him “Jun, what piece of advice could you give me as I am choosing to stay and not leave the organization?”, the employee replied frankly and sharply, “Ms. Nina, watch your back and cover your ass.” Great, it almost made me fell off my chair.

I remember the first time I stepped inside this room. I sat beside Rhia. Rhia’s first few words which struck me were “Are you still single?” It made me laugh a bit and answered “Oh, does it show?” I even thought she was going to match me up with someone single from the group. Tsk, too bad she never did. That act instantly gave me a sense of belongingness.

Tito Sonny, on the other hand, a prepared speaker, amazed and inspired me with his project. I told myself that I will be like him. The General Evaluator, Lynne Gamboa, was informative, positive, and encouraging in giving her evaluations. Anton and Christine, placed their usual friendly smiles as they thanked me for attending and participating in the meeting. Sally, a day after the meeting, added me as her friend on Facebook.

I got overwhelmed. Being in an extremely welcoming and positive environment is a breath of fresh air. It’s therapeutic for I have been living in a dog-eat-dog world for eight years!

Working in a big company is a survival of the fittest. You learn to fight back hard without being defensive and offensive. In Toastmasters, you climb up without even having to box out.

“What a wonderful feeling that first meeting gave – Toastmasters members showing you the path to confidence, new-found friends ready to lend a helping hand, and the club exuding a warm and optimistic atmosphere. I am hooked!” That was Nina Viray , a proud memberof El Presidente Toastmasters Club.

I AM A BAMBOO

Here's the first Toastmasters speech I delivered last July 1, 2010 at El Presidente Toastmasters Club. The organization being very encouraging, gave me generous feedback. My evaluator, Cristine Bautista, admired the way I constructed my speech and loved my use of metaphor. Diane, another member, added that my intro could pass a contest speech. I really love the way they constructively criticize us for our works. One area of improvement I know I have is to refrain from bringing in notes. I was told that as much as possible, I get a better grasp of the speech so I won't have to depend on my notes, which is something I aim to do in my succeeding speeches.. :)

Here's the speech I wrote and delivered entitled I AM A BAMBOO..

I AM A BAMBOO
By Nina Viray

In my attempt to craft a striking Icebreaker speech that would best describe me as a person, who would have thought that I would find Bruce Lee, a famous Actor and Martial Arts Master, as my inspiration. His beliefs in life reflected mine.

His quote that represents my core was the simplest of them all, it says: “Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo survives by bending with the wind.” Right then and there, I realized, oh yes, I am a BAMBOO—I bend with the wind.

Fellow Toasmasters and guests, good evening.

My life, just like any other, has been full of happy and challenging stories. I was brought up in a humble home in Sto. Tomas, Pasig City, where my mom is a native. My dad is from Pampanga but he decided to live in Pasig practically because of its accessibility to the metro. I’m the 2nd in a brood of three; I have an older brother, by the name of Lord Vennet; and a younger sister, named Jessica Lei.
Let me cite at least two (2) instances in my life where my flexibility just like that of a bamboo was manifested.

I did not come from a well-off or a prominent family, but my parents brought me up with enough riches to bring as I traverse through life. Both my parents worked hard to bring me this far, I was nurtured with enough food in a day and they provided me with the best education I could have. They did everything they could when they were younger and stronger so as to give us the gears we would use as we sustain our lives. I was a receiver and they were the givers.

Twenty-five or so years have passed and the tables were turned. Both my parents are beginning to enjoy their retirement years now. I became the giver and my parents, the receivers. Being the breadwinner of the family can be a huge and daunting task, but the joy I get in knowing that I am reaping the fruits of my parents’ labor is incomparable.

I’m 30 years old and lots of people, specially my relatives who seem to be highly concern with my ability to rear a child because of my age, would often be heard saying “Oh Nina, kelan ka ikakasal?” or maybe “uy, tumatanda ka na, wala ka pa bang boyfriend?”. As a response, I would automatically plaster a smile on my face and say “Wala pa po e, bata pa naman po ako, saka darating na lang po yun”. Geesh.

Honestly, I have always wanted to settle down and marry the man of my dreams at the age of 27 or 28. Becoming a housewife with the role of taking care of my kids and loving my husband full time had been my dream since I was a kid. Since age 20, I am a late bloomer by the way, I have started searching and picking for Mr. Right. But Mr. Right is really elusive. I was 27 y/o when I experienced the most hurtful heartaches of all. The dream in my mind and the pressure I was putting in myself took its toll in my relationship; it resulted to me becoming blessedly single until now.

Naturally, some women who reach my age and remain un-married seemed to be getting more and more depressed with the society’s idea that 30 is the maximum allowable age to marry. It’s either that or you become a pretty old maid. The experiences I have had in falling in and out of love several times before, together with the role as a provider of the family, pushed me to take love slowly and maturely.

The spare time that the society is expecting me to spend with my special someone is now being put into productive use. On top of the strategic function I am assuming in San Miguel Purefoods, I am also now taking up my Masteral Degree in UP Diliman, School of Labor and Industrial Relations; and, recently I decided to enhance my public speaking skills by joining you guys—becoming a member of El Presidente Toastmasters Club.

While we set different goals geared towards achieving a better life, I realized that not everything happens the way we want them to be. God continuously moulds us into someone better than we think.

I may not be as stiff as a sturdy tree or as strong as Bruce Lee, but my ability to sway with the wind without breaking gives me the resiliency and strength to surpass the challenges of life just like that of a bamboo surviving the strongest of winds.

Probable: I'm teaching you to be Strong and Independent

If you think I would learn strength and independence by way of shunning me off, then you're wrong. Nobody could teach me the things I ought to learn by means of external forces.
You may have your good intentions for doing what you do but the end-state you that thought I would acquire may not come to me as you wished for.

I will learn things at my own pace and time. You can be the instrument but not the trigger.

You're punishing me, not teaching me..

Three..

One- right one at the wrong place and time
Two - has to be the right one but at the wrong place and time
Three- wrong one at the right place and time

Argh!

Time and Distance

This day is one of those days I know I wouldn't forget for the rest of my life.. As I have been posting in my statuses at FB and FS, "Time and distance are essential to FORGIVENESS".. Every pain and heartache I felt vanished so naturally..

Finally, after two years, me and a past, Ian, have already buried the hatchet. I never thought that our lives could turn like this so positively. We might never become great friends at all, but knowing that we have forgiven each other for the past hurts is such a big leap in itself.

I remember the days when the thought of losing him makes me cry every night. The thought of him loving somebody else almost killed me.. I harbored the pain for almost a year. I cannot deny the fact that John, who came in on November 2008, made it a lot easier. His entry in my life made me move forward and regain myself...

I never thought me and Ian would ever come to this point. The feeling of not feeling anything upon seeing him happy carrying his baby confirms that I have really moved on. And I am glad to come this far.. =)

John, on the other hand, declined talking to me. Oh well, another time and distance to look forward to for a reconciliation like mine and Ian's here again ....

Meantime, let me just enjoy this great feeling of freedom and forgiveness.. :)

Not Necessary...

I cannot reconcile the fact of having to delete the social network acounts and the intent to get away from me.. I don't think it's necessary.. I hope you are mature and man enough to tell me the real score.. What's wrong?! I don't understand... We are supposed to be mature people and the experiences we've had in the past should have been enough to allow us to act accordingly.. You wanted to leave then why not tell me straight-face? I don't need that damn shunning off! I want us to be friends... it's like you're punishing me.. for what, john, for what?
Your treatment of me is deserving only of someone who did you no good... Did i hurt you? What did I do to deserve all these?
All I wanted is for us to be okay for old times' sake.. eleven months is eleven months.. we could no longer erase the fact that we have become a part of each other's lives. I am not asking for you to love me.. all I wanted for us is to be okay because whether I like it or not, I know that you have given me enough of what I need.. You have made me happy and pushed me to be who I am now.. I won't be where I am if not because of you.. I have all the gratitude I could have for having you in my life...
I just want you to be here in the least possible way, nothing more, nothing less...

Damn if you do, damn if you don't..

I'm lost.. I do not understand you.. what are you up to.. what have i done wrong to deserve this? All I wanted is us to be friends and keep you. Was it hard? Why? Now what? I do not understand..

Beautiful

I don't wanna waste an entire album on you, Ive been there done that yea. I don't wanna put all the anger you've caused me back on you though I'll know I'll be justified but I'm in another place. I don't wanna put any negative vibes into his universe I've done that enough and i don't wanna tell who what when where why and how cause who cares, no no body cares

but i hope you soon find out how to love, once upon a time you wanted to learn, i thought i could teach you but you were more afraid, than willing. So when it comes don't push it away, one day you will find it is the greatest gift and i hope you don't take advantage of it again

hold her when she wants to be held, don't yell at her when she's only tryng to love you.
take her to her favorite place more often than not, don't take her kindness for weakness cause im sure she'll love you a lot.So pull her in all that she does, don't tear her down build her up cause that is the worst thing you can do to someone you love. Put her high on a pedestal and tell her when she looks beautiful, tell her when she looks beautiful ....

I used to think that i could not bear you to be with anyone but me, but Ive been there done that yea... and since then Ive come to think silly of that whole mentality, cause i wanna find love to no it wont be with you.I wish for everyone to one day find happiness and love including you yea... and i don't wanna go into detail cause Ive said enough and its not my intent to hurt you no..

but i hope you soon find out how to love, once upon a time you wanted to learn, i thought i could teach you but you were more afraid, than willing. So when it comes don't push it away, one day you will find it is the greatest gift(yea) and i hope you don't take advantage of it again

but i hope you soon find out how to love, once upon a time you wanted to learn, i thought i could teach you but you were more afraid, than willing. So when it comes don't push it away, one day you will find it is the greatest gift and i hope you don't take advantage of it again

hold her when she wants to be held, don't yell at her when she's only tryng to love you oh(oh oh oh oh oh) take her to her favorite place more often than not, don't take her kindness for weakness cause im sure she'll love you a lot.So pull her in all that she does, don't tear her down build her up cause that is the worst thing you can do to someone you love. Put her high on a pedestal and tell her when she looks beautiful, tell her when she looks beautiful

Outstanding!

Yey! Am raving today! My boss gave me an oustanding rating for my performance last year! In fairness, it was effortless.. hahaha..
Oh well, kidding aside, it really feels good knowing that the efforts you put at work are being recognized and rewarded. As I have told my boss during the talk we did a while ago, I felt I have changed for the better as compared several years back. During my younger years (not really so long ago), I was more or less focused on having a family of my own, putting work as a second or maybe my last priority. But of course due to some circumstances beyond my control (particularly being broken-hearted several times.. hehehe), i decided to finally shift paradigm.
Things never really worked the way I wanted them to be. For a period of time it saddled me however, i eventually realized that it'll only do me no good if I stay on crying over spilled milk. With the life events I went through for the last couple of years, I begun to transform myself little by little.
I cannot allow myself to succumb in misery and heartbreaks, thus, I indirectly re-focused my energies into something more productive-- work and studies..
I am enjoying the life I am given now. By and by, I'll be where I really wanna be. I know that in God's good time, everything will fall into place.
At this point in my life, small miracles are beginning to happen.
Ironically, I am agreeing with this particular guy, who was responsible for breaking my heart in 2008 (haha!), as he says, it's time to change for the better-- by choosing the right path. =)
In fairness to him, he has a point! Paminsan-minsan may utak din pala siya. hehehe (bitter pa? haha)
Basta, at this point in my life, I am happy, contented, at peace, and blessed...
Thank God!

we could have been

I feel like afloat. It's so quiet. I'm loving it anyhow. While I miss the feelings I felt several months back, I guess I'm better off this way because I'm at peace with myself. Nothing's more important to me now than my peace of mind.

I still miss the guy, yes, but little by little, I have been accepting the fact that it's over. You cannot push yourself into someone else's life.

If there's one thing I know I would be regretful of, then it would be the chance we could have on becoming good friends. It's just so immature. He could have trusted me and realized that we could transform our "relationship" to mereley platonic. I could be happy seeing him happier with someone else. I could have shown him that I can be there for him no matter what..

We could have been, we could have been...

Bored on a Saturday night

Ranting time...
am bored.. nothing to do at home.. it's so pathetic, i am home on a Saturday night..
I hate it.. i miss going out on a saturday night and coming home the morning after, .. i miss the thrill, excitement, and the fullness of a Saturday night (not necessarily with jpcl though). Argh! I wanna be occupied.. huwaaaa....

Tired but rejuvenated from Caramoan.. =)

I'm back! Wooot woot! It was a very tiring weekend get-away at Caramoan, Camarines Sur but it was worth-it! Me and my officemates a.k.a friends had lots and lots of fun strolling and hopping the islands of Caramoan.
The waves were soothing my mind, nothing really compares to the view of mountains and limestones on your left and the horizon with the sky kissing the sea on your right.
It was also in this trip when I get to conquer my fear of climbing steep rock formations just to see a small lagoon with a big legendary bangus supposedly in it. We never saw the fish but the climb up and back has expanded my capabilities. I never thought I could do such a thing!ha-ha!
The experience with the rocks is like Life, all it takes to get to the top is enough push, motivation, and belief and faith in yourself that no matter what happens, despite the bruising edges, you'll get to where you really wanna be..
Caramoan may not be the best place I have been but the experience it brought broadened me more as a person..

Yey! Caramoan!

yipee... me and some officemates a.ka. friends are going out of town tomorrow until Sunday, and this is one of those days I thank God that despite the ups and downs and the stresses of the week, I still get to enjoy life! My Caramoan trip is exciting me, really! =)

Test of Character

Argh.. Another tiring Monday it is.. What made it more gruesome is when someone bitches things out on you.. In moments like that, I sit back, stay quiet, and make sure to keep my cool down. I am choosing my battles, I won't let a single issue affect and spoil the rest of my day. God Bless her..

A Wounded Self

This blog goes out to the guy I met not so long ago who despite the craziness in me stayed for a period longer than anyone could bear. If there's one thing I would wish at this point in time, that is, to meet him once again in this lifetime.

He met my wounded self-- the disillusioned part of me. When he entered my life, I knew that I was not at all ready, and yet, I still gave him the access. Who I was when he met me was far from what I am really made of.

I could have fought for it and went out of my way to defend myself. I could have stayed much much longer and shrugged off his indifference. But I know that if I do, then the Wounded Self could take over my total being. I would never ever allow that to happen..

Out of all the guys I have gone out with, it was him I preferred offering a friendship with at the very least. For reasons beyond my comprehension, he strongly declined. He remained apathetic.

I guess I would never understand why it took so much of an effort to penetrate him.

I just wish and fervently pray that he would later on realize how much of a great friend I could become if only he had given me the chance...

Shooo Valentine Blues!

It's February 14, Valentine's Day. And it surely sucks! These love songs are getting into me! ( My line for the last 9 years)

It sucks, indeed, specially for single ladies like me who have been in and out of relationships for quite some time now-- 10 years to be exact!

Eversince my younger days, I have been hoping, wishing, and working hard to get married at the age of 27 or 28 -- the best ages to marry, they say. It did me no good, if I may say. I have loved and lost, fell in and out, broken and healed, wept and laughed. I was insane!

It was at the age of 27 when the truth about falling inlove dawned in me.. The guy I refer to as my greatest love-- with whom I wished to marry and spend the rest of my life with got married to someone else. Naturally, my world shattered into pieces, stopped revolving, and halted my life.

I had to lodge in one of the posh hotels in Ortigas (rich me!) just to spill my heart out and cry as loud as I can (with So Close in the background and hoping that the next door tenant doesn't hear me). It took me 3 hours of crying and drinking a big bottle of Mudshake before finally coming into my senses. My friends came right in time and drunk the remains of my alcohol as they baby me to sleep to rest my eyes out (the puffiest ever!) from weeping over spilled milk.

The experience alone taught me a lot of things about falling in love. The values I got from that encounter are the most important things one should carry as they commit themselves to another person.

It strongly imbibed in me one thing: TO LOVE MYSELF MORE.. as cliche as it might seem.

As bitter as it looks like but it gave me an idea that unconditional love does not really exist. At some point in the relationship, you would always want something in return. You cannot give (1) what you don't have and (2) more than what you get. Because in the end, when you outpour more than what you should only give, you'll just find yourself picking up and collecting from the ground the part of you which you should have not given anyway..

At this point in time, it's good to stop a while and provide myself with more breathing space. I have been very busy finding love for the last 10 years. The last 9 years of which made me dreadful of Valentine's day. Today, as Valentine is slowly passing, I feel at peace and in tranquil with my solitude. Being happy does not necessarily follow having someone to spend this day with..

To everyone, Happy Valentine's Day! May you find joy and happiness in your own ways!